Sorry about the length, had a lot on my mind to share this morning.

 

Domestic Violence is at the forefront of the news right now due to the video of the football player striking and knocking out his then girlfriend.  She lamented her part in the situation and they were married the next day – her response is, unfortunately not that unusual.  While not a good situation, it is good that people are becoming aware of this kind of violence.

Most of us do not have that occur within our family situations, there may be tension and arguments, but not the violence as seen on that tape.  But it happens far more often that most people know.  It happens at all levels of society.  It happens every day, every night – and the physical violence is only a part of that, the mental anguish can be just as devastating as the blows to the body.

I remember getting a call to one home where the young family was there and both sets of parents were there – all yelling at each other, parents taking sides with their child.  ALL were Christians.  At one point one mother turned to me and asked me to pray for them, the other parents – who didn’t know me – wouldn’t agree to prayer “Now wasn’t the time for prayer.”  However, it did open up an avenue of discussion where I could use MY Christian background to help resolve the situation at that time.

The families did get counseling, and, while relationships were strained between the parents, things were worked out for their adult children.  I still see them from time to time, and that was over 40 years ago.

There are several situations police officers go into where they are in danger of physical injury or even death.  One of the most dangerous is going into a home where domestic violence is or has just occurred. 

One of the first things we are taught is never go in alone!  Never!  That rule is violated at times, but rarely, the danger is too great.

Going into a violator’s home is like going into a den of a lion.  It is their territory, they feel they are above reproach their and their reactions are to defend that territory with whatever means may be necessary.  So you are very careful as you step over the doorjamb into the home.

This is their home; they have access to a number of things that can be used as a weapon against you.  They are emboldened because they are in their castle and you have not been invited by them, and in fact they look at you as an intruder.

It is a volatile situation.  One of the other first things you learn, is that the situation can turn from bad to worse, at any time, but particularly if you make an arrest.  Every officer has been confronted with making the arrest of the suspect only to have the victim turn on the officer and fight or at least try to assault them.

There are many dynamics in a family disturbance.  The two are together because there is a connection.  Most of the time it is husband and wife – or lovers now, which really makes things complicated – or a family relationship such as parent and child, siblings, etc. 

There is usually affection of one form or another between the parties – it may have been turning to distrust and even hatred which is at a boiling over point at this time, but there was something there that caused these two people to be connected.

The majority of the time the offender is male, the victim female.  The offender is upset at some perceived insult by the victim and is lashing out verbally or physically to demonstrate or re-establish their control over the victim.

In most instances, there is alcohol or an illegal substance involved that makes the situation worse.  Throw in anger, frustration over something, and it is a volatile mix.  Both parties may have been partaking of the substance and both parties are angry.

When I became a police officer in 1970, we treated family disturbances by asking the victim to place the suspect under arrest.  Most of the assaults were misdemeanors that did not happen in our presence so we couldn’t make the arrest by investigation.  Failing an arrest we would try and encourage one or the other party to go someplace else and let things calm down.  Most of the times this worked, but not always because we could not force the issue.

One of the first such incidents I was involved in came right after bar closing – 0300 – and not an unusual time.  Both husband and wife were yelling at each other, and neither would calm down.  Their children – grade school age and this was a school night – were sitting on the daveno watching this scenario of their parents fighting and the police in their home, not for the first time.

The parents are shouting at each other, we have them separated, trying to calm each one down, but the alcoholic haze was difficult to get through as both were inebriated.  The wife was willing to leave, but she wanted to take the kids.  The husband refused to leave AND he did not want the children to leave.

They both turned on their children, the mother asking them if they wanted to go with her, and the father telling them that they couldn’t go with her.

The wife finally agreed that the children would be save with the father and she went to a friend’s house.  I had another one where the children were so traumatized during the contact that they were crying, but couldn’t make a sound, just opened mouths and tears running down their cheeks.  In that situation we were able to get the father to jail and everyone was safe for the night.

Eventually the law was changed to where the police are required to make an arrest if there is ANY evidence of abuse – this takes the burden off the victim to be placed in the position of making or being involved in the arrest of the suspect.

However, there were many times we would be called to the scene, make the arrest and we never called back.  I never knew if it was because the offender changed – which I always doubted – or if the victim had been punished for calling us in and the resultant arrest.

There were also homes where we had to respond multiple times through the years.  We would make an arrest and incarcerate the suspect.  Often, like what happened in this case, the victim would take blame for the incident and/or refuse to testify against the spouse and the charges were dropped.

I mentioned earlier that officers are often attacked by the victim at the scene when the suspect is arrested.  There are a number of reasons for this, some because the victim suddenly realizes the enormity of the situation – she may have called us, but didn’t think it through, just hoping our presence might calm him down.  Sometimes it is because she knows with the suspect gone she has no means to support herself and her children.

Whatever the reason, some will attack the officers, and it is never a good situation.

One of the things an officer learns early on, is that we cannot make the victim leave the relationship.  I don’t know how many times I would refer victims to counseling, encouraging them to leave the home until either the husband agreed to counseling or at the worse, terminating the relationship.  They would agree something needed to be done, but the next day they were telling the judge they wanted their husband freed.  Within a short time we were once again called to the home.

The victim is a victim on many levels.  Many times she has been mentally beat down to the point that she doesn’t feel she ‘deserves’ better.  That somehow she deserves the berating’s and beatings.  Until she comes to the realization that the offender is not entitled to treat her that way; that there are programs in place to help her cope and get away from the abuse, she will continue to return to it.

I don’t know how many times I heard, ‘he isn’t like that, unless he has been drinking’ – which happens all the time.  Or, “things are bad at work and he is frustrated, he didn’t mean to hurt me.”  Or, “I shouldn’t have said what I said, it is all my fault.”  Or, “I should have kept the kids quieter; I know how upset he gets by their noisy play.”  The excuses for the behavior are as varied as the family.

What is just as bad is the damage and trauma it causes the children – many will grow up to be either the abuser or abused themselves because that is what they grew up with and think that is natural.  (Not to minimize that the children are also abused, physically, by the abuser of their mother.)

This is a behind the door crime and for every visible scene, there are probably dozens of victims that never report it.  We need to support the efforts to make a genuine difference in these situations. 

It begins with our prayers, with our willingness to report suspected abuse and with our support of the victim.  

Jonah 3:10-4:3  And God saw their works, that they turned from their evil way; and God repented of the evil, that he had said that he would do unto them; and he did it not.

4:1-3   But it displeased Jonah exceedingly, and he was very angry.

² And he prayed unto the Lord, and said, I pray thee, O Lord, was not this my saying, when I was yet in my country? Therefore I fled before unto Tarshish: for I knew that thou art a gracious God, and merciful, slow to anger, and of great kindness, and repentest thee of the evil.

³ Therefore now, O Lord, take, I beseech thee, my life from me; for it is better for me to die than to live.

Honestly, as I read these verses this morning I had to laugh.  Petulant Jonah, upset because the people of Nineveh listened to him, asked for forgiveness and God granted it.

We all know the story, probably the best known one in the Bible or at least on par with Noah’s Ark – or at least parts of it.

Jonah was told to go to Nineveh and preach.  He hated this community; it was filled with people who were violently opposed to God and His people.  They persecuted and killed the Jews.

He wanted God to destroy the city.  That is why he fled, from GOD, to Tarshish, he knew if they repented, God would forgive them.

He, as we know, was cast overboard and swallowed by a whale expressly made to swallow him.  After enduring the darkness, the smell, the slimy substances in the belly and the isolation of incarceration in this large animal, he repented, was ‘vomited’ up on the shore and went to Nineveh.  And did what he was told to do in the first place.

AND they repented!

Horror of horrors, they listened to him.  He wanted them destroyed not saved.  Now he was upset with God for His forgiveness and at himself for preaching so well that not only did they listen to the message, they obeyed.  He wanted God to take him now, just wanted to die.

Poor Jonah, his worse fears came about and, even though he had obeyed God, he didn’t want God to forgive them.  He went about his job well, too well as far as he was concerned, but he was angry that they had listened.

He wanted them destroyed.  He went up on a hillside looking down at the city in hopes either they would go back to their rebellious behavior or God would change His mind.  Jonah wanted to watch God rain fire and brimstone down on the city.

I relate to Jonah. 

First, I want to make it clear as a law enforcement officer I never took the law into my own hands.  I never felt the end justified the means – if I did not have enough to convict a criminal I never manufactured evidence.  I believed in the system, although I often disagreed with the results, I didn’t try and render my own punishment. 

Having said that, one of my favorite genres of films is the vengeance type, where the system fails and the hero provides vigilante style justice.  Obviously I am not the only one, as these films do well at the box office and garner top ratings on television.

However, I do need to re-evaluate my enjoyment of such films, I know it is an emotional relief and I don’t condone taking such actions, but it does fly in the face of Christian teachings. 

If I let it, it can be a means, subtle, that satan messes with my mind and heart towards God.

I have to admit, through the years, there have been times where, I, like Jonah, wished God would punish those that would do me harm in one way or another, and I have had a number of those people through the years.  But, IF revenge is to be taken, I know it is God that must decide on His own to do it, and that I must relinquish all thoughts of such actions – and make sure that I do not request God to do so on my behalf.

I can ask for protection, I can ask for a cleansing of my heart towards the anger I feel against the person, I can ask that the darts thrown be destroyed, but I cannot ask for the destruction of the person – that is diametrically opposed to what God has told us.

Romans 11:10-13 Love worketh no ill to his neighbour: therefore love is the fulfilling of the law.

¹¹ And that, knowing the time, that now it is high time to awake out of sleep: for now is our salvation nearer than when we believed.

¹² The night is far spent, the day is at hand: let us therefore cast off the works of darkness, and let us put on the armour of light.

AND

Luke 6:27-28 But I say unto you which hear, Love your enemies, do good to them which hate you,

²⁸ Bless them that curse you, and pray for them which despitefully use you.

To pray for those that have abused you is probably one of the most difficult commands Jesus gives us. 

We don’t need to pray that they are able to continue their assaults against us – what He wants is for us to pray for their salvation.  He wants us to pray that their hearts be changed and turned towards Him.

What if the person is a Christian?  – and believe me, sometimes this happens.  Then we need to pray for a meeting of the minds, we need to pray that we understand their perspective and see what we can do to resolve that issue.

In truth we should even do that with the non-Christian.  Sometimes the anger they feel, or the attacks they make may actually have a truth we need to listen to and evaluate.  Not always, and maybe not even often.

But when we pray for them, God helps us see things differently.  When we obey Him – and most of the time that is the only reason we would pray for an enemy, is obeying Him, in truth we would rather see them punished – He searches our hearts and help us see the person as He sees him.

We aren’t that different from Jonah at times, we pray because we are told to pray, but we do it grudgingly, hoping God will not change the heart of our offender and will instead punish him.

I am trying to look back over my past and see where I may have prayed for someone who had attacked me and they did change, how did I relate to them at that point?  A couple of times comes to mind – for a while things were fine, I had forgiven them, there was a meeting of the minds and there was a return to a ‘decent’ if not the same relationship – in those situations though, both, once again turned against me – I knew that wasn’t my problem, it was theirs, and I did continue to pray for them – albeit with little enthusiasm.

I don’t think we are required to be buddy buddy with the person that attacks us, but I do believe that they need God and His direction; they need Christ in their hearts, and we may have a unique opportunity to help them find Him.

By praying for them we begin to see them in a different light, we begin to see a needy soul who God wants to save.  That time in prayer can change them, but it also changes us.  Many times the commands of God in dealing with others are not only for their benefit, but also for our spiritual benefit.  In obeying we grow in Him.

It is not our responsibility to change our enemies; it is our responsibility to pray for them.  AND if they do change let us not be like Jonah and get mad at God for those changes.

Later, Art :-)

From the ColumbiaRiverGorgeous
May Our Good Lord Bless and Keep YOU....’til we meet again